a heart of addy

So if you’re not familiar with World Race terms, debriefs are events where our squad mentor and coaches fly out to see us, wreck our lives entirely, we eat an abundance of fast food, and then they leave. Well, there’s more to them than that, but that’s the main part you need to know in order to understand this blog lol. 

Coming into this past debrief (Feb. 28th-March 6th) I had already talked with my squad mentor and had a meeting set up with her along with my coaches to talk about how my life on the race was going. Let’s just say it was prescheduled because my life wasn’t going that well while I was in Guatemala. 

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the people of Guatemala and miss them each and every day, but during that six weeks I learned it was much easier to blame the surroundings of the language barrier, no caffeine, and the comforts from the US I don’t have, than it was to admit that I hated myself and where I was at in my spiritual walk. 

As we met in the back room of the hostel on that Monday afternoon I sat there among people who love me, and I felt nothing but shame. Why is this happening? How did I mess up this bad? Am I even a Christian anymore? Why has my life been driven so far away from what it was?

To let you in a little bit, I spent a majority of Guatemala hating God. And I had a really hard time understanding why something that is so important to me, could all of a sudden make me so mad. 

We realized I’m so resentful towards God for some of the things that I’ve been through in my life. There are so many emotions that I don’t know how to process that have been stapled on my relationship with the Lord, and they weren’t technically due to anything that had to do with Him. They were to do with people and events of this world that make me retract trust, vulnerability and intimacy from anyone, including the creator of the universe… what?

So we talked a lot, and they decided to pray. 

While my coaches and mentor were praying over me, my coach Kim, told me that she heard that the Lord wants to give me a new heart. She held out her hands and asked me if she could put it in. 

Cue my freakout. I was already in such a vulnerable position and I freaked out a the thought of someone touching me, regardless of the fact that it’s from the Lord. 

So basically I rejected a gift from the Lord, and I had to take the “heart” and put it in my pocket until I was ready. 

The next morning I had a really great time with the squad and decided I was ready. I was ready to accept my new heart, and really have breakthrough that I’ve been waiting for.

I told my squad mentor I was ready, which then she squealed and jumped in my arms. Later in the afternoon we got the ability to have a one on one which lead to an array of tears, inner healing sessions, and lots of laughter. (You can’t help but laugh when there’s talk of trauma, pure vulnerability, and just being with my mentor in general is so fun, so laughter is necessary)

It took a long time, and a few “loosen your shoulders, Kristin”’s but I finally accepted it. I placed the new heart within me and declared change.

But here’s the kicker. Kristin doesn’t necessarily love herself, nor take care of herself as top priority. So my mentors and friends often like to play the Addy card on me. Everyone around me knows how much I love that baby girl, and so they use it to their advantage. 

So this heart I have received, is my heart of Addy. I can only treat it with the respect and love that Adelaide deserves. If I wouldn’t say it to Addy, I’m not declaring it over myself. 

& one day when I’m ready, my heart of Addy will transform into a heart of Kristin. That’ll be the day I can love myself fully, and understand the love that the father has for me, regardless of anything that may have or still may happen.

So thanks God, for the people who love me enough to sit with me in darkness. For the ones who love me so much they never fail to see me, and to the baby girl who you’ve modeled my heart after. It’s fascinating to do life with you.