The Day After

Here are some words I wrote the day after I celebrated 1 year free of self harm. & also the day I shared my story with the world  

This day I woke up in a major mood. I wanted to do nothing that had anything to do with people, including my team. I sat at breakfast kind of quiet, and went back to my room to try to get my head right before we started our day.   As I was laying in my room I wanted nothing more than to skip worship. I went to our worship room and I was pissed. Literally so pissed. I was in such a bad headspace and I had absolutely nothing to say. Nothing nice that is. 

So I sat through two songs, then got so overwhelmed that I left and went back to my room to journal. 

And then it made sense. The Lord told me that today would be the day I told my story to my followers. But first I had to tell my mom. 

Cue freak out. Like, chest crushing anxiety. 

I had always dreamt of the day when I’d tell her, but I never had the guts. It’s also something that I’ve struggled with recently, so it makes it that much harder to talk about. 

But I had a moment where I felt the adrenaline courage to type her a message and hit send. 

Anxious and feeling like I had dropped a barbell on my chest, Jesus told me “go ask your team for prayer and Tammy will respond”, as to which I hesitated, but I obeyed. 

I went into our panic room and asked for everyone’s attention in the midst of worship. I spoke through my tears and let them in on all the shame I’d been carrying the past few days from my struggle with self harm. I told them I needed to tell my story but I had to tell Tammy first. And I was scared. 

The fear went back to child wounds, and me always shoving my emotions aside to be perfect for my mom. 

So my team held hands and prayed. And during that prayer I felt chills come in waves on my back, like someone was rubbing by back up and down and side to side. (Thanks Jesus) and during that prayer, Tammy responded. 

Afterwards I had to lay on my bed because my chest felt like it was caving in. 

Then we went to the mall. Where we’d go our separate ways and I’d work on my blog. 

When I got there, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I went to Starbucks where the last remembered my name and my order and it was the sweetest experience ever. 

And then I sat and wrote my 365 days blog. While drinking my current favorite drink, a salted sweet cream cold foam cold brew. Venti of course.

And in the middle of that Starbucks in Medellín, Colombia is where my story went public for the first time. Hopefully it was the first of many more times to come.

And as I copied and pasted my blog, the song “rescue story” came on. Wow. 

And I had full body chills for at least 8 minutes after I hit the submit button. 

Like Jesus was hugging me, and not letting go. 

here’s some words I wrote right after it happened: 

“I feel free. I feel brave. I feel seen and unbidden. I feel like I obeyed. I feel like I won. I beat the challenge with satan. JJ And I pushed through. I feel confident. And right. And hopeful. Finally.”