365 Days

As I sit here writing this, I’m not even trying to be the slightest bit dramatic when I say that I never thought this day would come. This struggle that I’ve hidden is easily one of the biggest things I carry shame for, and I promised myself many times that I would take it to my grave. 

But the shame, blame, and guilt don’t get to run my life anymore. I’ve been set free. Jesus knew since the beginning of time that I would struggle with this, but yet he STILL died for me. He didn’t look at my struggle and say “oh man, that’s a dealbreaker, I guess the cross won’t be on my agenda anymore.”… no. He loved me through that, still loves me through that, and will continue to love me through that for the rest of my life. 

Am I anxious about making my greatest shame public information? Absolutely. This is by no means an easy thing for me to do, but it’s what I feel led to do by the one who loves me deeply no matter what, and in the end will be glorified through it all. 

So here it goes, as of yesterday, June 8th, 2021 I am ONE YEAR clean from self harm. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. FREE of that struggle. There it is. The secret I’ve kept locked away that only my therapists got the pleasure of knowing, and a handful of friends around me. Until I went on the race and found people who would love me no matter what. I began with sharing with my first team or 5 other girls, and it was the scariest night of my life. I eventually then told my squad leader, and then my squad mentor. And then I went on to tell my second team. & guess what. 

They all still love me. 

And I got to celebrate with them outloud yesterday instead of by myself behind closed doors. Because I chose to let them in, and I chose to not define myself by my struggle.

It WAS my biggest shame, the heaviest guilt, and the thing once again I swore to myself I would take to the grave. But Jesus had other plans.

I knew that the Lord wanted me to use my story of my mental health for good, and I couldn’t wait to watch how He did it, ever since 2016 I knew I would be an advocate… But it’s one thing to dream and another to take action. 

And today, June 9th, 2021, He called me to take action. 

Here’s a little perspective that started my thought of sharing my story:

The first three weeks of my squads time here in Colombia, we partnered with Ciudad Refugio here in Medellin. Ciudad has programs for men and women who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, to come and get clean and prepare for their life ahead of them, all while showing them Christ in the process. They also house the homeless at night to give them a safe place to sleep. To say they’re a haven is an understatement.

However, during our time there, I realized that the people we always hear about that are drug addicted etc. are literally just men and women who were brave enough to ask for help. I came to the realization of how I would feel if I was only labeled afar by the thing I hold the most shame in, just like how they’ve been stereotyped by society. 

It made me sick to my stomach. What if I was only labeled by my self harm struggle, and not the tons of other things that I bring to the world. What if you were only labeled by your eating disorder, your depression, your parents generational addictions, premarital sex, or by something that happened ONE time when you were drunk. Or the other million things that we have kept secret since the beginning of time.

It wouldn’t be fair, and you my friend, are worth so much more. Yes, you. 

So here’s to listening to Jesus, sharing my story, and hopefully opening up the floodgates of vulnerability. We as people have got to stop struggling in silence. 

I’m here for you, no matter who you are.

Fun Fact: Rescue Story – Zac Williams came on as I was writing this. Look it up.