“Why doesn’t he want me? What did I do wrong, why am I so awful.”
These are all of the thoughts that were flooding my mind as I was hiking (crying) my way down Volcan Acetenango this past weekend.
I had hit my breaking point. On Saturday, all day long I was pumped and ready. It was hard physically and mentally, but I was strong, and actually encouraged the people around me when they couldn’t do it for themselves. When we got to the top 8 hours later I was met with love, encouragement and even“wow your spirit was incredible, let’s chat about it later” from my leader. I actually thought “wow, maybe I am loved and important”
In the middle of the night we heard a “look, guys!” and as we looked out of our tent we saw the neighboring Fuego Volcano erupt and bright neon orange lava spew out of it along with a large boom. It was absolutely mind blowing and incredible. (remember this)
By the end of the trek I was so out of it that my tent was hard to put together and I lost my pole bag. I was out of it, exhausted, and dumped myself into my tent on the cold rocky ground. I didn’t sleep a wink in the 0 degree weather, and I woke up for good at 3am. My thighs were aching already, I was more than exhausted, and then we had to walk down.
I did good at first. Kept up with the fast group while we climbed down the rocks and around the volcano to the trail. But then we got to the dirt paths and honestly looking at those steep inclines people had to run down I was scared out of my ever loving mind. My thighs were jelly and my feet were giving way the second we started hiking.
I made it halfway, but I couldn’t do it anymore. There’s no way. I didn’t have the mental capacity to even think about getting my body to go down these steep, ashy, rocky inclines.
And ya know when you’re exhausted everything just hits you at once and you cry because of all the reasons you’d been holding in? Yeah, well I bawled.
My sweetest friend stayed with me the whole time encouraging me and throwing in a little tough love like dangling water-bottles in front of me. She turned on my favorite taylor swift song and I had to ask to turn it off because I cried even harder just thinking about the state I was in and why did people have to be held back because of me. My lifetime of size insecurities took over.
“I HATE THIS” I yelled out with a massive amount of tears in my eyes. I hated that I couldn’t change the ground beneath my feet and make it flat and comfy. I hated that my foot hurt so bad. I hated that I was big and it hurt to get down this mountain. I hated that I was in last place. I was then the Fuego Volcano… I was erupting with emotions that seemed to feel a lot like lava.
All I want to do is give up.
And to let you in on a little bit of my life, I’ve recently been really mad at God, and I have been having a hard time separating the trauma from my relationship with my earthly father from my relationship with God the father. And to be real with you, it’s been really really rough. I’m diverting backwards and my inner child wounds are incredibly set in their ways. I’m trying to function as a 27 year old, yet my 4 year old coping mechanisms and thought processes are coming after me. I can’t get around it. Why doesn’t He want me? What did I do that was so wrong? Why am I not good enough? Why does He love everyone except for me?
And why can’t I just get down this volcano?
