*written Jan. 29th
Well friends, it’s technically day one of quarantine and I’m already at a loss of what to do. I just keep thinking to myself, this past week has been a series of flexibility and changing plans in the blink of an eye each and every time.
& as I sat on that rooftop for the last night we were at the YWAM base housing I turned to face the opposite way of what I was facing on sunday, and then started crying again. We were praying as a team with the sweetest man named Oscar, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how bad I didn’t want to pray. I’m so pissed. I’m so angry, and I’m so at a loss of everything that just went down, and the fact that I have COVID and I basically just ruined Guatemala for everyone involved.
I mean if we’re being honest with each other, I wouldn’t say I’m running from God, but man I’m not seeking Him. I guess I just don’t know how to seek Him when negative emotional things like this happen. I’m so afraid to tell Him that I’m mad and confused at the situation. I know how to tell Him I’m sad, and I know how to tell Him I love Him, and I know how to drop my life to follow His plan (lol) but I don’t know how to explain the bad emotions.
My mentors keep telling me that He CAN handle my bad and negative emotions, and that He’s a father that loves me. But then I’m confused even more… how can a father handle the bad things? I will say that I have a skewed view of fathers due to my personal story, and I feel like God will come back at me the same way that my father used to, with that scary face and an energy that could cut glass. (and sidenote, I’m not sharing this to shame anyone or anything, so don’t start to believe that, especially if you don’t know my whole story) But honestly, how can I understand that God loves me like a father when I don’t see God as a gentle father chasing me regardless of my behavior and I see Him as one who will get angry with me.
I want to see Him as gentle, and see Him as someone who is loving regardless, but I just don’t know how yet.
The day before I got sick, I was talking to my incredible squad leader (insert fan club gif here) who gave me a few questions that I needed to ask the Lord, and then my throat started hurting immediately after that discussion… coincidence? Gah, lol.
She sat in my bed that next day as I was crying for my mom and I said in my whiney voice “I was thinking about what we talked about yesterday and now that I’m sick God wants me to talk to Him because now I have so much time time and I just really don’t want to Kayla!” (insert whining and crying and shortness of breath)
And so now that’s all I can think about.
But I’m still so mad. I’m so sad and I don’t know how to feel it. So much has happened, and I’m not happy about it. I’m afraid to talk to Him, I’m afraid to be upset with Him. I’m afraid to resent Him.
Even though He already knows I’m mad… so why do I have to tell him??? Ugh.
Will I be greeted with an abundance of grace? I’m 117% sure.
Will I be forgiven for my emotions? I’ve already been forgiven the second Jesus rose from the grave.
So why’s this so hard? My flesh sucks.
My emotions are on lockdown, and if you’ve known me for any length of time, I’m a literal enneagram 4 who can’t stop deeply feeling things even when she wants to. So the fact that they’re locked up and hidden is pretty crazy and alarming.
And then I’m hearing God say “what’s it gonna take Kristin to get you to talk to me?”
“I literally ended your ministry. I ended your physical health and you have COVID now. I ended your emotional health a long time ago. I’ve put you in isolation. I’ve given you everything and yet taken it all away at the same time. What’s it gonna take for you to tell me you’re pissed, because once you surrender, we can start working this whole thing out, but until then, I will continue to strip you of all comfort. You know that bed in your Air b&b isn’t comfortable… you’re welcome… and neither is the floor you slept on last night.”
So that’s where I’m at… all advice welcome
Kristin, I can tell you from personal experience that I have struggled with the same issues you’ve voiced in this post. More than I can say here. I invited Jesus to reside in my heart way back in the summer of 1980 and here it is, four decades later, and I am finally starting to express my anger at God when I’m feeling it. He knows it’s there, so why not talk to Him about it? It’s still slightly uncomfortable, I admit, but reading your post encourages me! You are growing as a Christian at a faster rate than I have and you’re learning so much! I threw myself into my career as a third grade teacher, but now in retirement, I have more time on my hands, so I’ve got some catching up to do. But our Father in Heaven loves us both very much and accepts each of us fully, just as we are. We’re both going to get there, able to communicate with Him in total honesty, but in His time rather than ours. (Wink!) 🙂