It’s been 13 days since I officially committed to launching with the World Race this October. There’s been so much hope, joy, and encouragement given to me throughout it all. Friends that have bought me hundreds of dollars worth of gear, and a few more than $500 donated in cash either through Venmo, or my go fund me.
But these days haven’t been all excitement. Usually behind closed doors I hit a wall that unfortunately I haven’t had the energy to share on social media. I’ve learned through the course of my life that when I’m about to do something crazy for the Kingdom, I get knocked to my knees by lies and thoughts that fill my brain. Over these past 13 days I’ve been dealing with a variety of brain battles that have really been scary. Anxiety I haven’t felt in months, depression and fatigue that have been way stronger than normal, and lies that continue to fill my head.
If you don’t know me, depression is my life. It’s something I live with, I’m very open about, and something I’m a big advocate for. It’s real. Mental health rings differently when you’re a Christian, but we’ll talk about that later… So the biggest battle is actually deciding whether this is spiritual warfare due to the upcoming adventure, or if it’s my normal depression.
The most recent lie from the evil one has been that there is no way that I can be fully funded. There’s seriously no way that I can raise $17,600 in the matter of days is there.
I keep waiting for the donations to come, for the bar to raise on my blog and move from the $3500 mark. But there’s been no real revelation. No big moves, no big changes.
& as I was talking basically to myself (recording a Marco Polo), I was trying to explain and remember all of the times that the Lord has provided in the most abundant of ways. Like one time a stranger came up to me in the middle of a clothing store and handed me a $100 gift card because she “felt like she was told to do so”. Or one time I had to get new tires on my car when I had only $100 in my bank account, the amount was over $300 and while I was in the waiting room someone came and paid it off for me without even knowing my situation. Or when I threw a fit and broke my phone, I was generously give $600 cash. All of these were given to me within the course of a few weeks. The Lord showed me He had me. He had the situation handled and so graciously gave me what I needed, before I knew I needed it.
& so that’s what I was reminded of. When my world is crashing and my brain is struggling, my God WILL still provide. When the lies in my head are just too much and fill my day, God will STILL provide.
So that’s what I’m holding onto today. Thirteen days into the pre-race journey and it’s already hard. But choosing to keep the faith regardless.
